i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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