An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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