Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have fence marks all over my body
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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