Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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