Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
