I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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