I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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