who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
