dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
