Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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