bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
