my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
