people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
