OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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