Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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