a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
