Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
