That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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