You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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