Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
