Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
