You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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