i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
