I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
