I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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