Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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