the condom got lost in my hair
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
