Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
