I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
