Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
