OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I died a long time ago.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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