hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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