the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
