glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
