Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize