We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
