Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
