Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
