did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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