I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
