You can't motorboat a personality
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
