It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
