I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
