I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
