i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my shit smells like andre
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
