You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
