3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
