I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
