I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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