i permit you to call me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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