The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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