I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
