sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
