I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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