I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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