And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
