I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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