Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
