I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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