Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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