I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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